I have corrected your text and invite you to compare your version with mine.
Alas, I grade your work at band 5.5 overall - this is your current level. Come back to me after 6 months' serious study.
Good luck!
Tony
20 January 2008
Dear "Captain",
It has been a while since i published my last post. Today I'm publishing an essay prepared by one of my friends who went through IELTS exam last month and scored 5.5 in writing module. This friend is preparing himself to go through the upcoming exam and requires your kind assistance to evaluate his essay if possibe. I know how much you are busy with family and job, but your evaluation will be a great help to him and all the Weblog students.
Thanks and regards,
Gotcha! Hello there, Firas, lovely to hear from you! Sure, I will look at the essay below and give you my assessment and comments in due course - give me a few days (I am thoroughly 'enjoying' this English weather)! My first reaction is that your friend MISUNDERSTOOD the topic, oh dear! The essay was about "telecommuting", which means working electronically from home rather than commuting to work. He wrote about "telecommunications" and has done a reasonable job. His major problem seems to be serious flaws in his use of tenses. Such grammar mistakes will drag him down to the 5 - 6 band level, while he probably yearms for the 'Holy Grail' of band 7.0. Again at first glance a solid band 6.0 seems our likeliest outcome...
Stand by for further comments.
Tony
15 Jan 2008
Telecommuting will it change the world ?
Many people believe that telecommunication has changed our lifestyle, work style, and social habits. On the other hand, some people would say that it is destroying our social life and might be harmful to our health.
This essay will discuss some examples of telecommunication have made to our world and some argues regarding the negative impact of using such technology.
One of famous example of modern telecommunication devices is the cell phone known also as a “mobile phone”, widely spread and majority of people use it to communicate with each other (make a phone call). With this device people now, become able to do their work easily through getting the required information or contacting the concern person to do their job. Furthermore, some businesses such as sales and banking can be completely preformed through this cell phone, sales-man now doing most of his communication through telephone like, contacts agent and vender .also you can transfer money from your account while you are sitting relaxed at home by just making simple call to your bank and then make the transaction.
Due to the existing of internet in our life world has become like one small village. We become able to get any information at once, only we need to open search engine of any web site such as, Google or Yahoo and then one click all data will be in our hand. This feature has enable scientist to see easily the result of each other, look for a report or a book around the world while they are continue their researches, and do not waste any time.
However, some people would say that recent advances in telecommunication technology have affected the social relation because people nowadays prefer to make phone call to ask about each other rather than making an ordinary visit to their friends and relatives, this might have serious impact on these bonds. For example, the telephone will never help people understand each other feelings. Another harmful effect for modern technology (cell phone) would be on health. Many physicians have reported cancer cases for patient and they thought it was resulted from excessive use of these technology.
Overall, modern technology in the field of telecommunication undoubtedly has improved our live, the way we work, and the way we communicate with each other. However opponent to this advances technology confirm that it would be damaging for normal social life as well as our health. I believe people should continue use this technology but wisely and use it only for the purpose it has designed for.
AMENDED VERSION:
Telecommuting, will it change the world ?
Many people believe that telecommuting has changed our lifestyle, work style, and social habits. On the other hand, others would say that it is destroying our social life and might be harmful to our health.
This essay will discuss the benefits that telecommuting has made to our world and will look at the negative impact of using such technology.
A common example of modern telecommunication devices is the cell phone known also as a “mobile phone”, which people use to communicate with each other. With this device people have now become able to do their work easily through getting the required information or contacting the concerned person to do their job. Furthermore, some businesses such as sales and banking can be totally conducted by cell phone. Salesmen are now doing most of their communication through telephone when contacting customers and vendors. You can also transfer money from your account while you are sitting relaxed at home by just making a simple call to your bank and then doing the transaction.
Due to the Internet in our life, the world has become like one small village. We have become able to get any information at once, we only need to open the search engine of any web site such as Google or Yahoo and then with one click, all the data will be at our finger tips. This feature has enabled scientists to view easily each other's research, look for an article or a book from anywhere in the world without wasting time.
However, some people would contend that recent advances in telecommunication technology have affected social relations because people nowadays prefer to make phone calls to ask about each other rather than paying a visit to their friends and relatives, which might have a serious impact on these bonds. For example, the telephone will never help people understand each other's feelings. Another harmful effect for modern technology (cell phone) would be on health. Many physicians have reported cancer cases for patients as a direct result of excessive use of this technology.
Overall, modern technology in the field of telecommunication has undoubtedly improved our lives, how we work, and the way we communicate with each other. However, opponents of this advanced technology argue that it would be damaging for normal social life as well as our health. Personally, I believe that people should continue to use this technology wisely and only for the purpose for which it was designed.
Verdict: band 5.5 overall, mistakes in:
- tense usage and agreement
- word order (adverbs especially)
- misunderstanding of essay title key word "teleCOMMUTING"
- weak ideas against technology (3rd paragraph)
- why no specific PERSONAL examples to bolster the argument?
- introduction needs to be sharper
- conclusion was repetitive and said nothing interesting, striking or original (I have very high standards and a low boredom threshold!)
All the best
Tony
late on Sunday, 20 January 2008...
comments are most welcome on this splendid initiative
the blog needs YOU to make it work and to give ME something to respond to!!!
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